Empty Words
Does saying meaningless words really come from my heart?
One night, my professor just passed through the students’ break room and got my attention while I was doing something. He just went through a talk with his colleague about my written manuscript. Then, he said this, “You know, you always like to put empty words into the text.” I was not surprised.
It’s definitely hard for me to speak out what I want to say. Something within me keeps me from blurting it out. I was always conscious that my words would cause destruction of impressions, chaos, or even things to the point of starting a world war. Yes, from the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. To tame one’s tongue is important because it can really start a fire. But, it seems like I tame it so much that I cannot say what my heart wants to say, to the point of lacking honesty in my heart.
These things are coming from a person who have already destroyed relationships because of what he says. I got my dad sitting on the hot seat with my relatives from saying I was “tortured [what I meant in Filipino was binugbog]” which I felt guilty saying it in such exaggeration. This guilt trigger me to say things with flair and eloquence, with cotton candy, rainbows and unicorns, to romanticize the style of writing, in the hopes that I would not hurt others.
To be fair, I am a talkative person. I wanted to share about all stuff I know. I also want to share my experiences, my adventures, and my life with everyone. But there comes a sticking point where I stopped. This is when I got caught in the middle. When dilemma kicks in, I become silent. When I get forced to say something, I beat around the bush. My thoughts are not straight. I carelessly say words that should not come out of my mouth. I am doomed.
Those empty words that I mention are really true. But the truth behind that is that I wanted to cover up my inhibitions and vulnerability. It was my defense mechanism when I was forced to say something that I haven’t had a deeper thought. Carelessness becomes prominent. In protection to my tendency to whine hastily in my emotional state and not to hurt others, I tend to get safe. But in the hindsight, these empty words do not help. In the end, I am trying to lie. Or in other words, I lied.
From the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. If my heart focuses on what matters most, does it eliminate those empty words? If my heart’s intentions is not to please others but to tell everything with gentleness what’s wrong, should I hesitate my heart for doing it? If my heart tells me my logic is right and can be justified, should I use empty words to look like it’s not even true? After all, it’s not the problem of the mouth. It’s the problem of the heart.
Change of heart is not for the faint of heart. But as we grow into this world, we can eventually mold our hearts into what we wanted it to become. If we let our hearts open to God, we will be able to speak the things of God. If we let our hearts rot in the open, or let our hearts conceal what we truly are, it will always reflect on the matter we say things.
In the end, what we say is part of our work. Writings and recordings can be part of our legacy. Everything a teacher says will be planted to the student for eternity. Yes, we need to take care of what we say. Yet, we should speak or we should just hold our peace.
[Sidenote: But in all honesty, I can blame the influence of others, my upbringing, or my education on how I write or speak today. Yet, this kind of thinking is all in vain. In the end, I said it. I wrote it. So, there is no use for blaming people for my actions. Despite that, I am still alive. I can still change. So, I just press on and move forward, and learn from the mistakes I committed. That’s what matters.
That was the earlier intention of this entry, but after moments of reflection, I realize that this is much better than what my previous intent was. Thanks for getting at this point. May God give you grace and peace.]
