The Time I Stopped Dreaming
There was a time that I was just thinking, “Come what may…”
It was difficult to contemplate, yet inevitable to face. I am not getting younger. To this day, I still need to face that the sands of time is falling and will never get up. Others may thought to just enjoy life as we know it, so that there will be no regrets. Some have the urgency to do stuff and strive to achieve things that they may not be able to do when they’re old. But for me, I just realized something on how I wanted to approach this dilemma: I will just get by it.
There was one time a close friend of mine asked me, “When do you think you would graduate? After that, what’s next for you?” I just shrugged and told him that I will graduate when the time comes, maybe three or four years from now. After graduation, I would want to just return to my old life teaching, and that’s it. Those answers may seem okay to me at that time, yet revisiting those frightens me on how timid I am when dreaming for something. I am a concrete manifestation of the “come what may” philosophy. I thought to myself that I would like to let God show me my dreams and I will just go through the motions the way He wanted it.
I was not able to realize it by myself, but thinking based on a “come what may” philosophy messed up my life in general. It feels that I was enjoying life at the expense of other people’s sufferings. I was telling myself that I wanted to just have a break that I would lavish myself with what I earn, but it eventually ended up with mishaps, failures, and chaos. In the Bible, this is illustrated as sowing and reaping. I was naïve to personally realize the repercussions of my actions that led me to what I have become now. Being buried in shame and guilt, I eventually lost my passion. I was in the middle of nowhere, seeking where should I go from here. From the outside, it might look that I still have the direction, yet the person inside does not know where he’s going to be.
The second decade of the 21st century has been rough for everyone. We have become stagnant and lost, yet we are also in a point of no return to what we are used to be. Despite that I am living inside an island bubble and having a mask-free life outdoors, the bubble created a purgatory within me to stay and not proceed. My dreams that I wished to do after graduation went poof like the mist in the air. People might criticize about my weakness yet living a more comfortable life than theirs, yet a struggle to keep up with my dream had made me stuck on my track. I repressed my struggles and anxieties, and accomplish stuff with mere mediocrity.
Then everything change when my mom passed away. To be honest, she was very supportive of achieving my dreams. When I was asked to talk to her for the very last time, my dad told me, “Please make a promise to your mom that you will graduate in a year.” I was about to tell it, but I was hesitant. With my current status of messing up with my PhD, would I be able to deliver what I had just promised? I lacked faith. I was not dreaming after all. Saying it would just become empty, to be honest. I was never been able to say it to her, and she gasped over her last breath without me telling her.
Instead of me dreaming for myself, she dreamt for me. She did all she can to encourage me to move on, believing in me for what I could become. It just sad that I became so dependent on her that I was lost in the woods when she left this world. I was not able to see her final hours. After a month of her passing, I lied down my bed in tears realizing that I should have let her see me with a PhD as a suffix. I should have save up money even just to make her visit me here before. I thought of all the should-have’s and could-have’s in the world, yet her passing is an inevitable fate.
I never thought of revisiting my dreams for myself. I have been in this state when I was trying to choose what college degree should I go to. Now, I realize that I need to start in spending time planning the intricacies for my future, my family, and my finances, which I did not tapped on for decades. These things might go easy on others; yet I am still on square one. But for the closest men in my life (my dad, and also my thesis adviser), they still advice me like there is still hope for me.
Then lastly, I thought if I misled myself to believe about the “come what may” philosophy. It turns out, I twisted out what God wants me to be. He does not say that we should not dream. In the book of James, the apostle wrote, “ Instead, you ought to say, ‘If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that. (James 4:15)” God did not ask us to stop dreaming. We need to dream according to God’s will. We also need to dream, hoping that it’s God’s will for us. We need to work out our faith by offering our dreams to Him; and He will guide us to what His will ought to be in our lives. He also said to the Israelites when they were experiencing the turmoil in their lives, “For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)” God encouraged His people that despite the sufferings they are experiencing, He is still there to give hope that their dreams of peace may come true in the future as long as they believe in Him.
Going forth our dreams is not a selfish quest, nor something that will burn us out and die. It’s actually something that we need to keep ourselves in track. While I’m still planning out my dreams for myself, I need to think of this as stepping out of my faith towards my Lord, for it is written, “In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead. (James 2:17)” I might be wasting some time in the past. But getting to make my dreams and plans a reality is a huge step for me that is much better to spend than placing myself in the corner. In this manner, I am asking for you, for your hope to be alongside me as I go through this path. May you also achieve your dreams by the grace of God.
