“Time After Time”

If you’re lost, you can look and you will find it. #adulting

There came to pass that I was in a place with a bunch of people I know surrounding a grand piano. The sunset light seeping through the glass walls going to the piano as a person was playing a song. I followed into a duet with that person then I recalled my mom when I was mentioning those lyrics. Then after trying to murmuring through the unmemorized lyrics, I suddenly woke up. It was a dream after all, and it was already late in the morning.

I always recall that I will always have a song in my dreams by the time I wake up late. Sometimes, those songs are made up. Others have been just the hits or something interesting from the theme of the dream (Looks like I’m kind of having lucid dreams). But nevertheless, this recent song got stuck in my head after I wake up. Maybe because at that point I recall my mom who just passed months ago, but I interpret it as a message to myself.

As a person who felt he’s running out of time and haven’t been keeping up the pace, it puts a lot of pressure and anxiety towards me. I felt that I am getting old, yet I was not growing mature. I was expected to learn things or to function by myself, but I ended up being naïve and ignorant about all things. I felt that my mind and soul has left its ability to learn, and minor mishaps are intensified and becoming detrimental of the outcomes.

I have a lot of shortcomings in terms of my work and personal relationships with other people. I have the tendency to feel at ease with just a few people. I try to also seek self-validation which I will always fail to meet. With this, I feel incapable. Yet, I don’t have a choice but to grow, thrive, and mature as an adult in this world.

Despite the fast pace of the world, there is no shortcut in being an adult. Many might be able to graduate with a PhD as fast as possible, but there are others who have personal struggles going towards this chosen route. As the going gets tough, the competition hits. The fastest and the strongest wins. Others need to groan about their struggles and suck in their emotional and mental baggage, forcing them to forego their own instabilities for success. Yet, there will always be a breaking point. And in the end, we have no reason to complain, for each of us have battles we need to win, no matter what kind they are.

From my interpretation, the lyrics of “Time after Time” described a mood where one is undergoing a season of despair and loneliness. The reason for such feelings stems from failure, regret, frustration and devastation (in terms of relationships or love). But eventually the message goes “If you lost and you can look — you will find me time after time.” This becomes a comforting message for me, as if I felt the person who loved me the most said it to me.

More likely, I consider this as a message from God. — “All things will be made beautiful in His time.” Eagles usually drop their young from the sky in order for them to learn how to fly. When they fall so fast that the young cannot keep up, the parent is always there to catch them. And like an eagle who trains their young, he will let us to become stronger by having faith in Him whenever we do things. This process takes a lot of time and may cause a lifetime for us. But He had made us known that He will never leave us or forsake us. He shall always have a connection with our hearts even if our faith is as small as a mustard seed. In times of strife and struggle, The God who knows where we are coming from is always with us.

As of today, I have a lot of things to retribute because of my actions beforehand. I was too careless and selfish about doing things by my own. Despite my disbelief, it has come to pass in my dreams that there is someone who is there “time after time.” There is someone whom I must believe in order to go on with this life, for he believes in me. I am overwhelmed with such revelation. At least, the message has materialized in a song, and that’s something to be remembered.