Validating Self-Invalidation
You feel like an impostor, yet they say you shouldn’t be?
It was May of 2014 when I tried my very best to squirm through my master degree thesis defense. I crunched through a month-long summer term to finish experiments and to write the whole thesis by myself. With the help of my adviser and everyone in the Chemistry Department, I have pulled through my defense, in front of a three-person panel and my proud parents. In the end, I was victorious and added an “MSc.” in the end of my name. Despite that, I felt like the ending was quite anticlimactic and too idealistic. Months have passed, yet I still feel invalidated that I graduated already. I wore the graduation gown and attended the ceremonies, yet doubt remains. Did I really deserve to graduate at that point? Is my work really enough to propel myself into that pedestal that I have struggled for many years?
Our invalidation towards our achievement seems to be pretty normal amongst us, yet the there is always that continuous invalidation of our feelings towards it. I kept it within myself because I was a bit ashamed to tell everyone my anxiety towards being deserving to graduate. Most people would have the cliché congratulatory remarks, “Congratulations! You deserve it!” even if you’re just acquainted for seconds. In the end, this feeling of cancellation is further cancelled by the society we live in.
I learned the word Impostor Syndrome when I watched “The Big Bang Theory” to which the “poser” researchers were feeling undeserved with the special treatment they received. Yet the real researchers were telling these posers that they deserve to feel that instead. When I heard about it, I felt validated because I thought I was the only one who felt it. Speaking for myself, withdrawal, depression, and anxiety are valid feelings and should not be cancelled by any individual. Coping mechanisms are different to each individual, yet some people generalize this as just a mere emotion. If most of us are just considerate enough to care about our feelings, then we could be able to feel belonged with others.
Seeking for validation of our “invalid” feelings is something we are longing from others. Despite the ruthless eye of other people, a true person caring for you would enable you to achieve validation of your feelings. True love validates the feelings the world thinks is invalid. To our loved ones, we can be what we truly feel because we are secured with them. In the end, we just hoped that other people may not pass judgment and invalidate, but to gain empathy towards others instead.
In what I believe, God loves us endlessly and unconditionally. In the Contemporary English Version of the Bible, it describes grace as “undeserving.” Above it all, He loves us despite that we feel underserved for it. I just remembered a verse in the Bible that says, “Cast your burdens to the LORD, for He cares for you. (1 Peter 5:8)” In the absence of validation, I believe God gives us comfort. Despite the fact that we cannot hide ourselves from Him, He knows and understands our situation. He even lets the Holy Spirit pray in our stead in the event that we cannot express what our true feelings and weaknesses are (Romans 8:26). After all, the unexpressed and hard-to-accept emotions can be brought up to God. From that, we can definitely “rest our case.”
As for myself, the validation came by on the realization that this was not just my own work. Getting my degree starts from God’s grace, continues with my family’s support on my dreams, and ends with the encouragement from my adviser, professors, colleagues and friends. I cannot achieve such validation if it weren’t by God’s grace and with the help of the people who loved me for who I am. I believe that everyone who feels the same or much worse than what I feel, would be able to find out that they really did a great job. The only thing that we need to find first is someone who makes us valid.
